Its just a ride...and a rant

On the 27th May 2010 the NHS meeting was held that decided whether Ian lives or dies.  Of course no-one within the organisation had the decency or compassion to inform us of the outcome, we had to phone the following day, it was 9 working days before the paperwork arrived and again required a phone call to request it.  Ian had been vomiting for 2 days, which he  rationalised as "a bit of dodgy fish" but I think it was stress.  The atmosphere crackled with tension.  Our son sensibly departed to his girlfriend's house, perhaps sensing any slight misdemeanour on his part would cause WW3. 

I consider myself a liberal pacifist but at that time I could understand what drives people to snap: to jump off a bridge or drive their car at 100 miles an hour into a wall; or lash out at someone who dares to cut in front and nonchalantly steals "my" parking space.  If this was America I could empathise with the kids that take their parents' guns and let loose in their school.  The tension is unbearable.

This is what no-one in authority, or anyone who has never had to put their lives literally in bureaucrats hands comprehends.  Not only do we live with cancer and the very real threat of loss on a daily basis but we have also to cope with inequitable, unjust and infuriating systems that measure our lives in terms of cost analysis, algorithms and acronyms.  QALY = quality adjusted life years - will this expensive drug give us value for money? Will the patient (an anonymous, faceless entity) live for more than a few months with the drug than without it and is a few months worth the investment.  In many cases "no".  The patient regardless of age, current health and well being is not valued as an individual, a human being, but in terms of cost effectiveness.  He/She will die anyway, everyone does, so why prolong the agony?  Why give him or her the opportunity to have some normality, to take a holiday, to say goodbye, to make his/her peace with the world?

"We have to make some very difficult decisions"  the bureaucrats state, I doubt "public health consultants" or "chief executives" ever lose sleep over the fact they have sentenced a human being to an early, agonising and untimely death because they have ensured that the money saved will provide lots more 360 degree analyses for the managers to evaluate their performance and pat themselves on the back. 3000 hours paid work for managers at a conference centre (expenses paid), consultancy fees for the organisation that ran this event to produce a pretty folder for each attendee that will end up collecting dust in a drawer. (RANT, RANT, RANT)

Ian is watching inane TV, unsure how to cope with my impotent rage at the injustice of the situation we find ourselves in.  So I rage quietly in writing and listen to Bill Hicks on the headphones, immersing myself in righteous anger and pouring another glass of wine.  As Bill says, "It's just a ride" but right now it's just making me nauseous.....